We used to talk more, didn't we?

Yes, we did. Alright, look. Yes, I promised in that video thing that I was gonna start posting regularly again, but here's the thing; that was a horrible, horrible lie. Sometimes the camera makes me say crazy things, make promises I can never possibly keep, that sort of thing. Once, I was caught on camera stating in all seriousness that I planned to build a life-sized replica of the Louvre entirely out of cottage cheese. I am back again, though, hopefully this time for good. However, not being on camera right now, I don't really feel like making any promises.


This is all assuming that anyone is even still checking for updates. If you are, drop me a comment; I'd love to know if this blog has turned into just so much shouting into dead space.

In any case, I shall continue writing, just as I continued trying to make bricks out of cottage cheese, even after I knew the effort was futile. This past weekend, we put on the Halloween party for elementary school students, and overall I'd say it was pretty successful. We started off by introducing ourselves to all of the kids one by one in English, which meant that absolutely none of them knew anything about us by the time we were done talking. Not that it really mattered anyway. James revealed at the end of the introductions that he was dressed as Spiderman, and that seemed to make them pretty happy.

After the introductions, it was time for costume construction. The children were given paper plates, colored paper, crayons, and scissors, and then were set loose to bring their dark and twisted designs to fruition. I actually found myself being surprised at just how creative these kids were with the materials we gave them. There was, for instance, a boy who used his materials to make a quite proficient version of the Halloween classic, "Cat With Crab Claws and Angel Wings". Truly it was a sight to behold.

It was also interesting to see what these kids were familiar with. It was really odd seeing these Japanese schoolchildren, most of whom can't have been born before the year 2000, walking around with Jack Skellington masks and arm patches. It was also awesome.

After costume construction, the kids broke up into groups of six and the ALTs all went to their different stations; this was where it was my turn to shine. There were three different rooms where stuff was going on, with ALTs and BOE employees evenly distributed throughout all of them. There was a games room, a trick-or-treat room, and a haunted house. Jake and I had been in charge of designing and assembling the haunted house, and we were prepared. I would describe it to you, the terrible result of our mad scheming, but it's possible that mere mention of the horrors that lay within may be enough to scar your mind. Fear not, for I am not so cruel a man.

The first group of children to go through the haunted house seemed to enjoy it well enough, although I wouldn't exactly say that they were scared. The problem was really with one kid who was probably to old to be there in the first place; I'm not entirely sure how he got in. In any case, this one kid wasn't scared of anything, and it made the experience less frightening for everyone else. It's just kind of hard to be scared of a monster that gets headbutted by a child and then stands there looking bewildered.

In defense of our haunted house, every group that came after that first one was scared of it. And when I say that, I mean it; they were actually afraid of the house itself. Many of them refused to even set foot in the first room. Those that did usually didn't go any further, and at least one or two left in tears. I'm not entirely sure whether I should be proud or ashamed. Regardless of how I feel about it, I'd at least say we succeeded in creating a frightening haunted house. Out of the thirty or so children who were at the party that day, about ten of them actually made it as far as my station in the third room.

I mean sure, one of those ten headbutted me, but I still like to think those are pretty good numbers.

Hey!

Hi everyone. It's been a few days, but I'm back, and I'm better than ever. In fact, not only am I back, but I've brought something with me in an attempt to make up for this week's crimes of omission. I think it'll be really popular with those of you who loved the Blair Witch Project. Check it out!

A Cry for Help

Yesterday evening, there took place what I am prepared to call the greatest meeting of minds the small town of Masuda has seen in several years. It was the first time all of the ALTs have gotten together since school started, and it will likely be talked about by the people of Masuda for weeks to come. Even a single foreigner is highly noticeable in Masuda. When a whole group of us gets together, I imagine people start to worry.

We met at a place called Gusto, a restaurant which tries so hard to serve authentic foreign dishes, bless its heart. Sometimes it succeeds; I mean, for the most part a cheeseburger is a cheeseburger is a cheeseburger, right? The real failures are in the little things. For instance, no American establishment would serve a cheeseburger with exactly six french fries on the side. I have also never before seen a meal consisting of steak, rice, and miso soup before. I dunno, maybe I just never went to the right steakhouses. All the same, Gusto is quickly becoming my favorite restaurant in Masuda by virtue of the fact that it has free drink refills, unlike every other restaurant in town, including McDonalds.

The purpose of the meeting was to discuss plans for a Halloween party we'll be putting together for some elementary school students later this month. The place is going to be split up into four different activity areas: costume construction, trick-or-treating, games, and a haunted house. Now, the first three areas are pretty straightforward, and we essentially know how we'll be operating those.

Plans for the haunted house, however, have not yet been finalized. Jake and I have been put in charge of this task. Being a huge, scary dude myself, I naturally was immediately chosen to be some kind of monster. We have other ideas, too, but I want to do this thing up right. I want to put together a haunted house that will have these kids waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night - years later.

So I thought I would turn to you for help. Not just you, though. Other people, too. People who may in fact be reading the same blog at this very moment. The thought that more than one person reads what I throw up here is pretty scary in itself, but I'm looking for more ideas from you. What would you do if it was your job to scare children? Leave me some ideas in comments or shoot me an e-mail. Remember: I may be pretty scary on my own, but together, we can make a haunted house these kids will never forget; even with the aid of therapy.

On Shopping

Tomorrow is the day I carve jack-o-lanterns with my students at one of my schools. It should be a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to it, but I got an e-mail from the English teacher there earlier informing me that we would not only be carving pumpkins, but also engaging in some kind of trick or treat. I was game, but it made a shopping trip necessary, and that was not enjoyable by any measure.

To say that I dislike shopping here in Japan is something of an understatement; I won't say by how much. Instead, let me just describe it to you. If I do my job well, you'll be able to experience the dread, the confusion, the creeping uncertainty from the comfort and safety of your own home. Not only that, but as with all my blog posts, you experience these terrible sensations at absolutely no expense to you, the consumer.

Imagine being in a grocery store. Now imagine that large portions of this grocery store smell like Sea World. Got it? Good, we've taken the first step. As you begin walking through the store, shopping list in hand (you're an organized shopper, after all), you slowly realize that something strange is going on. Nearly all of the recognizable brands have simply vanished. More than that, though; several recognizable foods have vanished as well. All of a sudden, you can't find Pepsi or cheddar cheese. Roast beef is little more than a memory.

The few familiar food items that remain are flanked by a million variations on the noodle, and things that look as though they might fight you if given the chance. What's more, the familiar foods have apparently gone into the witness protection program, perhaps to escape some particularly vicious eggplants. These foods have shed their normal packaging and donned strange new outfits, with labels written in an alien language.

My shopping experience today didn't start off too badly, since I was pretty much just looking for candy. Luckily, mini Kit Kats seem to have made it over here unscathed. A bag of those, and a couple packages of what were obviously some kind of fruit flavored candies and I was nearly ready to go.

It turns out one of my students can't eat foods with artificial flavoring, I guess. I don't know if it's some kind of allergy or what, but it meant I had to find something for her that wasn't really candy but also wasn't completely lame. This can be difficult to do, especially if you don't know anything about Japanese food or the Japanese language. Being unable to read packages or ask for help severely hampered my search. Eventually, I found some raisins and peanuts, which seemed like a good enough idea at the time. I also got these red things that are either large cherries or small tomatoes.

Of course, given what little I do know about Japanese foods, it's also possible that these objects are made entirely of rice.